Categories: Asia

Conan O’brien hates Asia

Conan‘s been my favorite night show for years, back in the time when I was actually watching the occasional night show. One of his biggest projects is bashing nationalities due to a peculiar incident with the Ukrainians :

Conan O'brien hates AsiaAwhile ago, Conan did a bit where he showed fake Euro coins.  One of those coins made fun of the Ukraine, which provoked a lot of angry letters.  Here’s the interesting part: those letters were from the Ukraine.  Conan had no idea that Late Night was aired in the Ukraine, and began to wonder where else he was on.  You would think he could just ask NBC, but they won’t tell him, because then they’d have to pay him more.
There is just one way to find out, and that is to viciously insult every nation in the world, and see which ones he gets letters from.

Since he’s arrived at the letter V, bashing Vietnam, we now have the complete bashing of all the East Asian countries. So, here we go :

Burma

The bad news is, you’ve got rampant malaria. The good news is, it doesn’t stop the kids from making those shirts.

(fiLi – maybe it’s just my ignorance – why is this different than Myanmar?)

Cambodia

How many temples does it take before you guys realize God isn’t listening?

China

If you’re gonna be in prison, it might as well be for no reason.

Japan

Last century, you brutally defeated China and Russia. This century, you make Hello Kitty toasters.

South Korea

Your biggest natural resource is coal, which gives dog a nice, smokey flavour.

Laos

You’ll come for the early Asian ruins. You’ll stay ’cause you’ve been stricken with avian bird flu.

Malaysia

Where the police cane you first, then ask for a bribe.

Mongolia

Where Chinese freedom meets Siberian comfort.

Myanmar

Remember when your government was almost toppled by a pair of cigarette-smoking twelve-year-old twins who you thought were immortal? Man, you sure have come a long way since 2001.

Nepal

Home to eight of the world’s highest peaks; nine if you count your unemployment rate.

Philippines

Mi casa es su landfill.

Thailand

Where you can have sex with a 14-year-old prostitute, if they’re willing to come out of retirement.

Taiwan

Oh wait, you’re not a real country. You’re China’s bitch!

Vietnam

Come and reunite your sneakers with the eight-year-olds who made them.

In one of the last Asia lists I was criticized for not including India in Asia (which usually has more of a East Asia meaning for me, the ignorant westerner… ):

India

A nation so richly diverse, you can walk into a single neighborhood and find cholera, dengue fever, malaria, typhoid, and plague.

and to be fair…

Israel

Hey, remember when life in Israel was vibrant and carefree? Man, that was the day.

I remember that day… 🙂

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